It has been over a month since I last posted but this is not a bad thing, I am doing well at work with a change in my duties to include some office work, lots more counters involvement and influential responsibility’s that are making changes happen.

I feel like I have my own normal at work now and the fitting that I was once getting have subsided considerably, to the point I am only getting them at home when I rest before bed and at least I know how to control them so they do not take over my life as they once did. I have slipped back into a good sleep pattern with plenty of downtime and lots of time to meditate and reflect on what irritates me and tries to hold me back. Simply letting go of the day's thoughts and relaxing my body and mind, clearing the chatter has kept me calm, relaxed, somewhat chilled and totally in control of the day ahead.

I feel like I am winning.

I have had very few panic attacks this week and likewise fits too, yet today for some strange reason to which I cannot identify, I had a fit that switched on and off in my head and legs.

It may not just be the side effects of the medication as once thought but something underlying that has been with me for many years.

Dystonia?

I have never heard of it until today. It is a condition that can affect the whole of your body or just a part of it and can start at any age.

Usually triggered by stress or certain activities with the most common symptoms being shaking, tremors and fits. Some medications can trigger or intensify the symptoms.

From my early teens I used to suffer a lot with cramping in my legs and hands and then as I got older it turned into uncontrolled muscle spasms which is one of the early signs of Dystonia and still to this day I suffer from muscle spasms that often wake me at night.

So this may be something I might just have to live with for longer than I thought. The severity of the symptoms can affect an individual in different ways from one day to another and it is usually a lifelong condition. On the upside, it can improve over time or for a few years remain steady and only in a few cases does it get worse to the point of needing medical treatments or surgery.

Could I ever see myself getting back into Society?

It was a question I could not even comprehend let alone act on it, well that was until a few days ago.

I am finding my confidence increase each day at work, at home and outside. I still get the odd setback but these do not last as long as they used to and I am finding recognisable triggers that cause them.

Everything takes time and it is an individual recovery so if it takes a few weeks, months or longer it really is not worth worrying about since that never helps, I will get there.

I have gone back to work after a very long time (over a year) off and shielding. It has been a mix of a phased return, slowly increasing my hours each week and this week spending some time on the shop floor.  I started with an hour outside of opening hours and then progressed to thirty minutes each day during trading hours. 

I would say it has gone well with maybe a hiccup here and there but nothing too drastic.

I had a brief panic attack last week that lasted all of about ten minutes, triggered by a customer that had no regard for social distancing or anyone else but themselves, you get the odd one of those in every walk of life, just unfortunate I had to be in their path yesterday. 

On Friday I had possibly the worst panic attack in the car whilst in the car park.  Wayne had to call work then come and get me. 

After getting home the fitting went on for a few hours more and then, as usual, it left me exhausted (something a panic attack does to my body when it progresses to fitting and shaking) so it left me no option but to head to bed.  There was me thinking I was doing so well.

It has been several weeks since I last wrote anything and that might be down to simply getting used to what is now the new normal for me. I came out of shielding and started a phased return to work. It has not been as straight forward as I wanted it to be and my fits have left many of my work colleagues uneasy as it has been very new to them like many months ago it was to me.

Each week is getting a little easier as I fit into my new routine and it is not just about putting stress on my mind but now also my body too. I am doing many things that my body did not do for over twelve months and I ache a little so it is no surprise that I come home from work and need a few hours power nap. I know that over time that will subside as I get stronger in both body and mind.

It is now just a case of what new challenges come my way and how I deal with them that make what will be my new normal.

I was very apprehensive about going back to work yesterday and though I did not manage to do my full assigned phased hours (all-bar an hour) I and my managers are very proud of what I have accomplished.

I felt absolutely knackered so when I got home I had a power nap and woke up feeling really good about myself.

One word, Apprehensive!

I have fitted every time I have attempted to write and it has extended the last couple of days that have been fraught with getting over a day-long fit yet at the tail end of yesterday I actually started to feel normal.

I have been absent from my friends who I know wanted to help me through the bad times but I am realising that dealing with it on my own and letting them know I am doing so has been an easier recovery, if anything it has made the transition quicker.

Personally, I do not like to offload onto my friends, even though Andy would say "that's what friends are for", I see it as to why bring your friends down?

Still living in a bubble at home has not given me the scope to deal with my issues in the real world, I have had comforts and security around me all day every day so there should not be an excuse to not be able to deal with my issues on my own, it is not like I have a full work schedule.

The real test is going to be when I go back to work and step outside, that is when I will welcome with open arms my friends' support and reassure.

I sometimes think I am doing something wrong because time and time again these shakes take over my entire existence and leave me exhausted for days.

They mess me up more so physically than mentally and as much as I do not let it take over my life the energy that it drains from me is what distracts me for that day and subsequent days after.

What do I do?